Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Enough

Lately, I’ve been hanging out a lot inside my head, and the company leaves a little to be desired. On most days, I wonder if I really have enough of what it takes to raise three little ones whose needs are more than I seem to be capable of.

There are some things that are easy about having a third baby. I don’t struggle with a lack of information…those, “I have no idea what I am doing” moments. And, multitasking is, I would say, a strong suit at this point. In some ways, I feel more relaxed as a mother than I ever have. No, it isn’t those kinds of things. I struggle more with wondering if I am doing enough with all of them. Am I giving them enough individual time? Are they suffering because my time is limited? Will they struggle later because I didn’t have enough to go around? And so, while I know I can feed a baby, cuddle with a toddler who has just woken up from a nap, and throw out sight word flash cards to a kindergartner all at the same time, I am often left wondering if any of them really got my best today.

And it makes me a little sad. Okay, it’s slightly more intense than that. Truthfully, it makes me want to crawl into my bed and weep. I so desperately want them all to have my very best. And what if they don’t? What if what I am capable of is not enough? What if they grow up to be different people than they would have if I could’ve been more?

There are three things these days that keep me from being on the floor in a heap. 1.) I know, I KNOW, that God led us on this journey of adoption all THREE times. And I know that his hand was on the timing of it all. He knows what I need and, more importantly to me, what THEY need. And, he who changed the water to wine and made 5 loaves and 2 fish feed thousands of hungry people can take whatever I offer and increase it beyond what is even needed. 2.) Fear of what could potentially happen has never been a helpful or motivating tool in my life. It has only ever served to make me more crazy than I already am and to inflict wounds of self doubt that take a LOT of energy to heal. And, frankly, I am short on extra energy these days. And 3.) I heard Beth Moore say once that she believed that we, too often, protect our children from the wrong things. We try to protect them from having to learn patience and we try to protect them far too often from their own neediness. They can not be filled up by us as parents. We want so much to be everything they need, but when we make that our goal, we fail them in a far greater way. We rob them of the understanding of their neediness and that makes it harder for them to desire God.

I have to say, I wish I felt a little more comfort in knowing that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful that God can redeem my failures and shortcomings, but it does little to soothe the ache that comes with knowing there are ways in which I fail my family. And I guess that makes it my turn to offer my neediness up to God, and to embrace that my desire for more can only be met in Him...and the subsequent revelation that he is more than enough. And, I guess that’s a lot better than thinking you aren’t enough and that it’s ruining your kid’s lives.

It’s definitely better than that.

1 comment:

molly said...

You don't know me -- I am Amy Walker's cousin. I clicked on your blog from a comment you left on hers. And I'm glad I did. I'm getting ready to become a mom of 3 any day now and you eloquently stated everything I've been feeling. Thank you for sharing...I felt my heart lift as I read this post!