Monday, March 30, 2009

Hurry Up and Wait

Last Monday I had butterflies in my stomach not once, but twice...which seems pretty monumental considering that you don't get that feeling as an adult too often. Am I wrong about this? Maybe it is because we aren't surprised as often or we are more sure of ourselves and so we don't get nervous as often. Whatever the reason, that familiar "butterflies in the stomach" feeling was alive and kickin' in me last Monday.

The first time was when sweet Hope went to get her kindergarten shots. We had been talking about this for weeks because that's the kind of kid Hope is. She is much more comfortable when she knows the plan. She would have freaked out if I had surprised her with it that day. So, we talked about it and counted down the days and she was ready. Well, as ready as you can be for three painful shots when you're five years old. She marched right in and right up to the counter with me, but I could tell she was getting nervous because, as I checked us in, she got very quiet. Then, when we got into the room, the butterflies hit me and I got a tiny bit shaky. I think that, mostly, I was nervous for her, but I was aware of a little something more, too. This sense that we were moving, moving, moving forward in life and that all of this meant that my little girl was about to start kindergarten. And kindergarten starts a whole journey towards graduation that I am just not ready for.

I know. Even as I write it, I know I am being overly dramatic. But sometimes, in moments like these, I think you just have to let it sweep over you like that. I think it's what makes you aware and attentive and alive to the present. This knowing that it won't last helps us to enjoy it while it does. And so, in the middle of feeling like we are about to start a journey that moves you forward whether you want it to or not, I get to remember why this present leg of the trip is so precious. And I get to remember to breathe, and take it all in, and savor this time with her, while she still crawls in my lap, while she's learning to read, while she holds my hand, while she jumps in bed with me in the morning, while she plays dress up, while she dances in the living room... while she's still five. Cause graduation is certainly coming, but, for now, she's still five.

...The second time I felt those butterflies, a few hours later, was when I put an address and stamp on the envelope that contained our application for adoption! That's right! Baby #3 is officially on it's way. Of course, I had to take it straight to the post office. And I wanted to take a picture with the postal worker and my envelope, but then, I randomly got the guy who is "all business and no chit chat" and I felt weird asking him to pose for a picture with me. I did get this one of Bella, though.

These butterflies are such a mixture of excitement and nervousness and, let's face it, sheer relief that that sucker is filled out and finished and off to it's destination. It, too, is the start of a journey that will change our lives. One that is apt to give us, I'm sure, many more opportunities to feel the swift passing of time as we watch another little one grow and change.
But until that little one comes home, with no baby in my belly to prove that things are moving forward, time slows down a bit and we wait. And it's the wait that can make you crazy...and it's the wait that makes you ready to recieve this blessing from God with the kind of grateful humility that can only end in worship. We are beyond excited to see what God has planned for us and we are blessed to walk this journey, and to wait, with the hopeful expectation that God's blessing in it all will include not only a precious child, but also a deepened understanding of who He is. And that's always worth the wait. So, here we go again......


The Milfords said...

I have tears. I am so excited for you guys!! Keep us updated! I can't wait to virtually meet the newest Kolman!

Amy said...

We are SO excited for you and excited to, once again, be a part of this wonderful journey with you guys. And about Hope, you are not being overly dramatic. You are just a beautiful, incredible mom that adores her, so good, but hard too. But you already know that.

Steve Bezner said...

You guys are going to have a fantastic (even more so) family!

Oh, and I'm loving the "if it's not a right angle, it's a wrong angle" way of life. Right there with you, sister.

Jess said...

I am so excited for you guys! You are such an amazing family and I can't wait to see your crew grow again. It makes me nervous for my little people when they approach big life changes as well. It's just part of being an involved mom, I think.