We got an email today from our adoption agency informing us that as of August 1, we are number 50 on the list of waiting families. Let me tell you in layman's terms what this means. Nothing. It really pretty much means nothing. Well, not entirely nothing. Technically, it means that there are 49 other families who are waiting on precious babies to adopt and that they are in line ahead of us. But, since birthmoms get to choose the families, a couple who is number 28 on the list could be picked ahead of a couple who is number 2 on the list.
This is what our agency told us. Numbers 1-15 or 20 have been on the list the longest and usually that is because they have very specific ideas about which babies they are open to. When a birthmom comes in and decides she wants to place a baby for adoption they go to the list of waiting families. They go down the list to find couples who match what she wants in an adoptive family and couples who are willing to accept her baby. They take the first five they find (which could feasibly be, #4, #16, #21, #42, & #50) and show those couple's profiles to her. If she finds one she likes, they go from there. If she doesn't, they look for more on down the list. Being number 50 is fine. It really doesn't mean much and then there is also the probability that if a birthmom comes in of a different race, we are most likely one of 5 or 6 profiles that she will see. (I know, but that is the way it is). So, it's fine. It's really fine.
But here is the thing. We are number 50! 50! It feels so far off! My heart sank a little today when I got that email. I know it is in God's hands. I know that he knows who and when that sweet baby will come. I know that I know that I know that he has it all worked out in his perfect timing. I really do know it, but today, it felt hard.
And I knew some days were gonna feel like that. I was prepared for that...kinda. These days remind me to pray and to feast on God's word, that satifies. I am determined to remember that His plan for me includes this waiting period and that He will speak tenderly to me in this place. I want to listen. I want His voice to drown out the ticking of the clock that I hear sometimes. Cause I know that what He has to say is infinitely more important than my urge to mark time. And so...I wait.