Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Comforts of Home

As much as we have loved our time here at camp, we’re all starting to feel ready to go home. It isn’t for any reason in particular…just a feeling that we need to go home. There is something beautiful about that, though. After all, in a world where people are always moving on and looking for something new, there is something heartening about knowing that the place God has carved out for us in this life is exactly where we want to be.

Hope has certainly done her part in making it painfully apparent that she is ready to be home. She is extremely emotional this week and when I can get past all the silly stuff that it seems like she’s upset about, what really comes out is that she misses her friends, and her dogs, and her home, and the routine we have there. I can relate to that. I really can. But, despite my efforts to be understanding, I have found myself irritated at her a lot. She has been hard work this week…plain and simple. It’s been hard to get her to obey and to do what she knows she needs to do. Her discontent has been a breeding ground for all sorts of bad behavior and I have struggled to get a handle on it. She seems so fickle in her feelings towards me, too. One minute she is dissolving into tears over the tiniest thing and the next all she wants is to be held.

Hope cried herself to sleep last night and it made me really sad. We had a really rough day and bedtime wasn’t any better. But, after I put her to bed (not too kindly, I should add…I won’t be winning any awards for mother of the year with that bedtime routine), I sat and read Romans 8 and prayed and journaled to get a little perspective. And I did. It’s funny how much my kids open my eyes to my own sin. Spiritually speaking, when I find myself away from "home", that place with the Lord where there is rest and the comfort of being known, discontent is always lurking right around the corner. That discontent has always been a breeding ground for sin and the thought of my fickleness towards God in those moments fills me with shame. Unlike me, though, he never acts irritated. I know without question that I am hard work, but he is so quick to forgive even when I struggle, like Hope, to do what I know I need to.

Perspective granted. And then, it was no struggle to do what I knew I needed to do. So, I went into Hope’s room and woke her up because sometimes, what we have to say just can’t wait until morning. I snuggled in next to her and told her I was sorry for being mad and for not being more understanding. She never even opened her eyes, but she whispered, “I forgive you, mom.” I needed her forgiveness so that she and I could start fresh, and it graciously reminded me of how God is always quick to grant forgiveness. Then, we snuggled in for a few more kisses and I love you’s and, at least for a while, we were home.


Jennille said...

I am so with you. My little people keep doing things they know they're not supposed to do--like coloring on daddy's speakers and the grout in the bathroom. I think it's a function of we are growing quickly into big little people, but I want to stay little and just keep having fun. Can't wait to see you guys and just sit down and chat.

The Coopers said...

Oh, how I felt so sad for Hopie. I know she is ready to be home, but has had a fun time also. The Cooper family is a bunch of home bodies and we know it and are not ashamed to say it, so I know how she feels. There is something about the feeling we have at home that we love and I can not imagine being away from it for a month. Maybe if you have not already you can do a fun way to count it down. Love you all and can't wait for you all to be home safely and back in your routine.

Michelle Schumacher said...

You brought me to tears AGAIN Amanda! I'll never quit saying that I LOVE the way you love your kids... I am so glad you broke the rule of 'never wake a sleeping baby-child'. You rock as a mom because you woke Hope! I can't wait to see you again!! Have a safe trip home :)

Georgia said...

First things first, waking up your daughter to apologize inspired me to do the same. I read this post on Thursday night after a day spent screaming and lashing out at my girls for their disobedience and childishness and then sobbing about what a miserable excuse for a mother/wife/human being I was.

I am drawn to women like you who share the reality of their lives especially when that reality is ugly. That is why I read your blog. There. Lurker no more. (Just read a "blog etiquette" post with multiple comments denoting the rudeness of lurkers!)

Bezner said...

How are you not on the facebook yet? Just wondering.

Oh, and if you're really that bored, I'll e-mail you a copy of the diss.