For all the reasons that I blog, one of the most prominent is that it has become a thermometer of sorts for me. And I've noticed that when I stop writing, it's usually because I don't want to have to examine things too closely. It's part of the way that I process what is happening with me, so when I don't do it, it usually isn't because nothing is happening. Quite the opposite. It usually means a lot is happening and I just don't really want to deal with it. And I know that's not good.
So, here I am. And here's what's happening. We are waiting. And I'm not very good at it. You would think I would be by now because it has, kind of, been the theme of my life for the past year. But, I'm not. I don't like it one bit. If you ask my mom, she'll tell you that I never did. But, oh my, how the Lord has been faithful in this waiting. And, oh my, how I KNOW it is gonna all be worth it. We are all anxious to meet our precious baby girl, possibly in less than a week. But, until then...we wait. And basically, in the last few weeks I have grown increasingly impatient, which makes me irritable, which makes me unable to adjust my rigid take on the way things should go, which makes me avoid God so that I don't have to hear how impatient, irritable, and rigid I am. Yeah...it's bad. But today, I saw the light.
And that's the thing about God. He lets me stew for a bit and then, in his great mercy, he does a little, "Ahem" and calls me gently back to his side. And, these days, that's increasingly irresistible. I picture it like this. I have let my anxiousness turn my gaze slowly, ever so slightly away from him, crossed my arms, and began to tap my foot impatiently. He rides it out for a while and then, with great love, clears his throat loud enough for me to hear him and turn. In that moment, I know that he knows all that I'm feeling, and that he wants nothing more than to sit and wait with me. And then there's peace. An unclenching. No more tapping of the foot. No more wild thoughts. Just me and Jesus, sitting and waiting together. And I lean in as he whispers to me of his love and his good plans for me. And I believe him.