The Hospital

We had the great privilege of being up at the hospital shortly after Ava was born and spent the next two days visiting with K, her birthmom, and taking care of our sweet baby girl. A couple of weeks prior, I had begun gearing up for this. It's rough. It's emotional. And it's hard to explain why. I almost feel ridiculous trying to explain how it all feels...like people will think I am making it more dramatic than it actually is even though I know that I'm not. I think that because people say things like, "It must be nice to not have to go through labor and just get to go pick up a baby." And, I guess there's some truth to that. I AM thankful that I don't have to go through labor. But, it is most definitely NOT just "going and picking up a baby." It's just not.

K was great. She wanted us super involved at the hospital which was really special. I got to do almost all the feedings and changing the diapers. And it really meant a lot to me. But there is also this underlying reality that this time in the hospital is quickly coming to an end and for K that means saying goodbye to her precious baby. So, in the middle of all of this functional stuff like bottle and diapers and the precious stuff like sitting in awe of this perfect creature, there is all this grief. And it would just hit at times like a Mack Truck. Gut wrenching sadness. I would ask if she wanted me to step out and spend some time with Ava by herself. "No," she would say, "I like it when you're here." So I would sit and watch her cry and put my arm around her and wonder if it caused more pain than it did good.

You can't get away from the bittersweetness of adoption. And here is a bold statement. I'm not sure you can be a good adoptive parent if you can't embrace the grief. Cause here's the thing about the grief. It is a gift to your child. As hard as it is, it tells a precious story about incredible love.

Right before we left the hospital, K was holding Ava and just soaking her little face with tears. She handed her to me and hugged me at the same time saying, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you" over and over as I said, "No, thank you. Thank you." Our tears were all mixed together and covering sweet Ava's body. And I can't help now but think that this is one of the most perfect pictures of adoption. Two mothers, covering this precious baby with tears from grief all mixed up with gratefulness for the gifts they can't provide for themselves. And it's all just a tad overwheming.

The Pictures You Have Been Waiting For

My new hairdo!!! ...okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding...but it IS pretty great. :)

Here are some pictures of my sweet girls. I have been waiting so that I could post about my experience at the hospital with Ava and her precious birthmom, K. But, it's still too fresh. Too emotional. Too hard to figure out exactly what I wanna say about it right now. So...here are some pictures for now. And really, they say plenty. We are blessed!

Introducing...

Ava Elizabeth Marey Kolman

Born October 13, at 9:03 am
7 lbs. 4 oz., 19 1/2 in. long

A bundle of sweet baby goodness.

Words fail me...except...
"Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds." Psalm 72:18

Wait For It...

For all the reasons that I blog, one of the most prominent is that it has become a thermometer of sorts for me. And I've noticed that when I stop writing, it's usually because I don't want to have to examine things too closely. It's part of the way that I process what is happening with me, so when I don't do it, it usually isn't because nothing is happening. Quite the opposite. It usually means a lot is happening and I just don't really want to deal with it. And I know that's not good.

So, here I am. And here's what's happening. We are waiting. And I'm not very good at it. You would think I would be by now because it has, kind of, been the theme of my life for the past year. But, I'm not. I don't like it one bit. If you ask my mom, she'll tell you that I never did. But, oh my, how the Lord has been faithful in this waiting. And, oh my, how I KNOW it is gonna all be worth it. We are all anxious to meet our precious baby girl, possibly in less than a week. But, until then...we wait. And basically, in the last few weeks I have grown increasingly impatient, which makes me irritable, which makes me unable to adjust my rigid take on the way things should go, which makes me avoid God so that I don't have to hear how impatient, irritable, and rigid I am. Yeah...it's bad. But today, I saw the light.

And that's the thing about God. He lets me stew for a bit and then, in his great mercy, he does a little, "Ahem" and calls me gently back to his side. And, these days, that's increasingly irresistible. I picture it like this. I have let my anxiousness turn my gaze slowly, ever so slightly away from him, crossed my arms, and began to tap my foot impatiently. He rides it out for a while and then, with great love, clears his throat loud enough for me to hear him and turn. In that moment, I know that he knows all that I'm feeling, and that he wants nothing more than to sit and wait with me. And then there's peace. An unclenching. No more tapping of the foot. No more wild thoughts. Just me and Jesus, sitting and waiting together. And I lean in as he whispers to me of his love and his good plans for me. And I believe him.