“What do you want me to do for you?”
This is the question Jesus asked Bartimaeus when that blind
man approached him on the road. What a puzzling question. It seems obvious to
us. Obviously, he wants to see. And, in fact, this is what he says. But, Jesus
asked the question anyway. Was it because he really didn’t know what Bartimaeus
would ask for? Obviously not. Instead, maybe he just wanted Bartimaeus to be
intentional about what he was asking. Maybe he wanted him to be aware of his
desire.
I don’t tend to pay attention to my desires as much as I
should. If I did, I would know more what it is I am longing for in relationships
with others, in my relationship with God, in my own inner being. I would also
be more able to weigh out the desires that are born out of sin and desires placed
in my heart by God. I could learn to confess and repent and depend on Christ to
transform me. I could sit with unmet desires and ask God to remind me that he
is enough for me. I could recount all the ways that Christ has given me the
desires of my heart over the years.
Instead, I tend to ignore them. To not think too deeply
about them. Somehow, I have learned over the years that desire leads to bad
feelings. That word, desire, even seems a little dark to me. A little sinister.
After all, what if I discover my desires are sinful and then I feel guilty and
judged. What if I discover I have desires that will continue to go unmet, and it
doesn’t seem like Jesus will be enough for me. Those are thoughts I don’t want
to engage with, things I don’t want to feel. It’s easier to see desires in a
general way instead of in a specific way. I desire a closer relationship with
Jesus, to spend more quality time in relationships with those I love, to be at
rest more. If I start to get too specific about those things, then I might be
confronted with those bad feelings that I don’t really want to feel.
But here Jesus is, with blind Bartimaeus, asking him to be
very specific about what it is he wants. Asking him to be aware of his very
specific desire and then to ask for it. And I can’t help but wonder…is that
what he is asking me as well?
It’s riskier to tell him that I want to be more aware of His
presence throughout the day, to be more tied to him in a way that is
unmistakable. It’s definitely riskier to say that I want to be pursued more in my
relationships and to be more intimate with my close circle of friends. It’s
riskier to say that I want to feel more at peace and more at rest. Because what
if none of that happens. Then what? What do I do with the bad feelings that
come then?
I guess then I get to come to him with the bad feelings and
answer the question as he asks again, “What do you want me to do for you?” I
get to walk with him in the midst of feeling bad and learn that he is enough.
Or….or maybe he fulfills those desires. Maybe he gives me
all that I want. Or teaches me how to want what is better and then gives me
that.
Either way, if I am willing to be aware of my desire, willing
to risk asking for the very specific desires I have, I think I end up like Bartimaeus.
No longer blind.
Able to see more clearly.
